My Own Personal Opinion Poll

 

By Karen Hall

I'm hearing a lot on TV these days about what I believe. The funny thing is, no one has asked me.

Everyone I know is asking the same question: who are these "poll" people? No one I know has been polled, or knows anyone who has been polled. No one I know agrees with the polls. And since it seems that someone has decided that we're going to be a government of the polls, by the polls and for the polls, it would be nice to figure out some way to be included in the polls. Is this not the modern version of taxation without representation?

I don't know the answers to any of that, but I do know that no one from Gallup or Newsweek has called me lately, which means my voice is not being represented on CNN or in the Congress. So I thought I'd conduct my own personal opinion poll.

In the interest of providing a little context (something I assume pollsters make an effort to do), here are the pertinent facts. For my entire voting life I have been a registered democrat. I am a liberal, though these days I find myself agreeing with the Rush Limbaugh dittoheads more often than not. (A fact that is so frightening, I can't even think about it until all of this constitutional turmoil is behind us, assuming that day ever comes.)

I am a working single mother, which means I am constantly being told how much Bill Clinton has done for me. I voted for him twice, even though both times I felt like I should go somewhere and run myself through one of those de-contamination showers from the movie Silkwood.

So there's the context. Here's the poll.

(1) Do I think Clinton is doing a good job as president?

What kind of muldoon could answer "yes" to this? If he were doing a good job, I wouldn't be trying to convince my 9 year-old daughter that "oral sex" is when you talk about it a lot. If he were doing a good job, we'd all be obsessing about baseball and the stock market, instead of arguing over the percentage of married adults who have committed adultery , and we'd all be able to keep a straight face when someone lights a cigar.

I don't know what I look for in a president who is "doing a good job", but I'm pretty sure that being...entertained...in the manner described by the Starr Report, while talking to my congressman on the phone, would rule out just about anyone.

(2) Would I like to see the president impeached?

No. I'd like to see him tied to a chair in my living room, while I shake my finger in his face and say, "Now you listen to me and you listen good!" And then I'd like to put on my best steel-toed cowboy boots and kick his butt from here to Africa and back. But no one has offered that as an option.

(3) Would I like to see the president resign?

The arrogant pig-headed egotistical self-centered pathological lying jerk has made it clear that he is not going to resign, so this is a stupid question. If he had any concern for the country, or any real remorse for what he's putting us through, he would resign. But if he gave a damn about the rest of us, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

(4) Do I consider censure a valid option?

As I understand it, "censure" means we make the president have a time out, sit in the corner and listen as we explain that he has been very, very bad. And then we go on as if nothing happened. That's a lovely (not to mention age appropriate) idea. How come Henry Cisneros didn't get to opt for it?

(5) What do I think should happen?

The reason laws exist is so we won't get bogged down in subjective arguments like this, or let a guy off the hook because he's popular and we just don't want to see him get into trouble. Perjury is perjury. Lying to a grand jury is a felony. Lying and saying you weren't lying because (a) you were merely "misleading" (b) lying about sex doesn't count (c) there's such a thing as sex wherein one person is having sex and the other one isn't (d) Ken Starr is a big mean bully who has it in for you or (e) all of the above...is not okay.

We cannot tell the next president, or any of the presidents after that, that our laws don't apply to him if he has a high approval rating. What should happen is that we should apply the law to Clinton as we would to anyone else. Period.

(6) What new realizations have I come to, in the wake of all of this?

(a) Bill Clinton is a bigger slime that I had originally suspected.

(b) Hillary Clinton is a power hungry idiot, and the rest of America and I have a different idea of what makes someone admirable.

(c) Feminists and black religious leaders have all lost their minds.

(d) A number of religious leaders of other ethnicities have also lost their minds. They all need to go back and read the parable of the Prodigal Son, so they will remember that he offered to "resign" his son-ship and become one of his father's servants. He didn't say, "I'm sorry, now let's forget this little escapade and get back to business, and by the way, my lawyers will be in touch."

(e) If you look at him long enough, Don Imus becomes attractive. (This law does not apply to everyone; I offer Ken Starr as proof.)

(f) The O.J. jury was an accurate representation of the current mentality of the American people. "Not Guilty" means "we don't want him to have done it."

(g) Instead of giving NASA more money to search for intelligent life on other planets, someone needs to prove that we have found it here.

Now maybe my congressman will care what I think.